Well, I do. I mean…come on. I am a human being. But for me, crying is something private. I don’t share my despair with many people. I might complain or mention something, but crying isn’t an option. Chances are if you’ve seen or heard me cry, I was either drunk, or so much was going on that I could no longer contain it.
Today I received some sad news about my dog, Hydin. He’s been with us for almost eleven years now. The likely diagnosis is cancer, which isn’t something we can afford to combat. So at the vet’s office I was listening to everything the doctor was saying, but I didn’t let myself feel it (and won’t until I’m on my own). The assistant reached over and grabbed a box of tissues for me. That was sweet of him, but I didn’t need them. I smiled and waved them off and said, “No thank you. I’m not about to cry.” He looked at me like I was an alien. I get it. I probably looked like I had a heart of stone. But that’s really not the case.
Why though? Why do I control my emotions so much? Because once I start, I don’t stop. (Also my face gets all blotchy. Not a pretty sight.) I also don’t like to make others around me feel uncomfortable. And I know a lot of folks aren’t great at handling a crying woman. They aren’t sure what to do or what to say. That’s okay. I don’t need words or actions. I only need to let myself feel it. The thing is, I’m not good with the mushy stuff. When there’s bad news, I keep my feelings down and wait for time to be alone. And that’s when I let the heartbreak in and the tears out.
It’s difficult to explain to some people that I’m not a heartless drone. I’m just private. Things like that are for me to do when no one else is around. I appreciate kind words, condolences, and positive support, but I don’t need you to hold my hand and listen to me blubber like a baby. (For the few friends and family members who have seen me cry, you know how much it takes for that to happen.)
So there you go. A little bit about me and my compartmentalizing ways. I keep my sadness to myself. Anger on the other hand…