It Really Isn’t You

I haven’t posted anything in a while. Things have been pretty crazy. I won’t go into any boring details, but I will say that I’ve been back and forth from groaning every time I have to speak to a person and wishing someone would just talk to me. Anxiety and depression strikes again.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being selfish. I need me time. A lot of it. And I haven’t gotten much lately. Friends…family, they want to know why I don’t call or text. I just don’t know what to say. “How are you?” is a much more complicated question than one would think.

I’m…angry. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m happy. I’m lonely. I’m me…

Do I even have a right to feel this way? Do I have a right to be all these things at once?

First of all, everyone has a right to feel what they feel. You can’t exactly help it. Your brain produces the chemicals and your neurons send the signals. It’s not like you have a choice in the matter. But is there a way to change that — to force yourself to accept and enjoy the good things?

I hate those stupid memes about how we should be happy with what we have and stop complaining. Two seconds later you see the next meme that talks about how we should care about people with depression. Are you serious? Did you not put two and two together and realize that four was standing right in front of you? Ugh…

Look. I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this. I just know that lately I’ve been more on edge than ever. Little things set me off. Stupid things. Things that don’t matter. I’ve had to block certain numbers so I won’t have to read about what a fuck up I am. That’s helped, but it doesn’t solve everything. I need time. I need patience. I need understanding.

I’m sorry if I’ve said anything to upset any of my friends. I really am. Just let me know when I’m being a bitch. I’ll evaluate. I might still end up with the same reaction, but I also might realize I’m in the wrong and apologize. I love you all. Every single one of you are important for different reasons. Just try not to be upset with me when I don’t answer the phone or immediately reply to a text. It’s really not you. As cliche as that sounds, it’s true.

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